Guest Blog Post by Nancy Berdan Watson
Nancy Berdan Watson, co-administrator for the group, Operation Military Moms – Before – During – After, a closed Facebook group where over one thousand mothers of military service members find fellowship, comfort, support and compassion, shares the story of her emotional roller-coaster ride as a military mom.
My Confession
I am a proud military mom, as proud as they come, but I have a confession. I begged my son NOT to join the military.
Change of Heart
After a 25 year marriage, which ultimately ended in divorce, to a former Army Ranger who suffers from severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder compounded by Explosive Personality Disorder due to his military service, the last thing I wanted for our son to sign on that dotted line.
I made my wishes clear. I would not allow any Recruiters to speak to him at school, but my son had a mind of his own. He called me one day – from a recruiter’s office – to let me know that he had enlisted. My heart plummeted to the floor, and for a split second the silence was deafening. But my instinct as mom kicked in, and motivated by the love I have for my son, I knew what I had to do.
“Son, I am so proud of you,” I heard myself saying. I had no idea where those words came from and I’m sure my son didn’t either. As I assured him that I would support his decision, I determined to change my outlook.
Basic Training (for Mom too)
My son asked me to be there with him for the swearing in, and I remember thinking that I wouldn’t miss it for anything. I HAD to be there for him, but that didn’t stop my emotions from being all over the place during the three hour drive for the event. Then, just as I began to seriously doubt my ability to keep it together, a sudden strength washed over me that was surely a gift from God, and I knew it was going to be OK. It was with immense pride – and a huge grin on my face – that I stood by as my son swore to protect his country.
He headed out for basic and I was left with so many mixed emotions – pride, fear – so many “what if’s” surging through my mind at once. When I didn’t hear from him, I comforted myself with what others had assured me; no news is good news. When he was allowed to call, I was so excited. He only had 2 minutes to talk; one for me and one for his dad. Hearing his voice sent me to the moon and back.
I went to his graduation from BCT and AIT. I was able to pin his blue cord (forgot what it’s called, his Infantry Cord, I think). I don’t know how I did it with the tears flooding my eyes, but I did. When I asked if I was allowed to give him a hug, he said yes, and that hug was the best. My feelings of him getting through boot camp were filled with the relief that that came with knowing that he made it, and that he was on his way.
The Call
Five months rolled by until I got that dreaded phone call.
”Mom, I’m getting deployed,” my child told me. My heart dropped. I had so many questions, compounded by unfamiliar feelings of (dread?), whirling inside my head and heart. But I knew I had to be strong for him. That’s when I found support from an unlikely source – Facebook.
Hanging On
I joined a Facebook group called Operation Military Moms – Before – During – After, an online support group for the mothers of service members.
I remember saying the words out loud to the moms in the group as I typed, “I feel like I can’t protect my son with him over there. How do I protect him? How am I going to get through this? What if he gets hurt? What if he gets PTSD? There is nothing I can do to protect him. He just got out of training so how can they send him over there so soon? It’s my responsibility to protect him!”
Those moms pulled me through the rough times. They understood my fears – they knew them firsthand. I knew I had to surrender my son each day to God for protection.
Facebook even helped me keep in touch with my son during his deployment. Each day I would look for the green dot on FB to see if he was on. I became friends on Facebook with other moms in his unit as well as his sergeant’s wife and some of my son’s battle buddies. When I saw that green dot on, a sense of comfort washed over me. I knew he was all right.
Homecoming
Nine months later I am at his base welcoming him home along with his battle buddies. I couldn’t believe the flood of emotions that washed over me when the first bars of “The Boys are Back in Town” by Thin Lizzy began, followed by our boys marching in. Feeling proud and thankful is an understatement. When I finally hugged my boy, 9 months of worry and relief came crashing down in tears. I couldn’t let him go. I got to spend 4 glorious days with him 24/7. I watched him sleep, and I wished and hoped that I would never have to go through another deployment again. I had my baby back. Except, he’s no longer my baby…he’s a man. My son is a man who has seen things no one should have to see; felt things no one should have to feel.
This journey – being a military mom – is like a roller coaster that you never truly get off of. The ride has its twist and turns, peaks and valleys, and it’s never the same ride twice. It’s wondering and worrying what happened to your child when you see the changes he or she has gone through. You experience an emotional distance that was never there before. You wonder how they are REALLY handling their experience when they say, “I’m fine.”
We moms experience a different kind of battle than our military sons/daughters face, but it’s a battle nonetheless. We battle the fear that comes with handing over one’s most prized treasure to the unknown, and it isn’t easy. For me, the secret was learning to surrender – fully – my child, now a soldier, from my hands to God’s.
My son is my hero.
About Nancy
Nancy Berdan Watson is a single mom with two sons who lives in Boca Raton, Florida. She is a Special Education Teacher who works to make a difference in the lives of disabled young adults by teaching them life skills as well as social and job skills they can apply in the workplace. Nancy’s hobbies are spending time at the beach with friends, reading and working out. As a co-administrator of the Facebook group, Operation Military Moms – Before – During – After, Nancy is passionate about encouraging other military moms and making a difference in the lives of others.
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